Truth


When April ended, I was determined to not let anything at all stand in the way of me and my recovery. It is now no secret that April was a doozy; it forced me to stand and deal with a lot of things that I had done absolutely everything to avoid (especially the murky areas of my own mind), and while it was necessary, it was also difficult as hell.

Fast forward to now, six days into May, and it feels like I’m…empty. There is nothing concrete left to hold on to, and without an anchor, I feel weightless. Normally, I would have found something to focus on by now, something to at least get me by for until after exams get over, if not any longer. I know my history and my cycles. I know that there are certain same phases that I need to go through every time something major happens.

The first phase is the Fake Acceptance, where I try to talk myself into being optimistic and repeatedly tell myself that this is okay, this is good, this is for the better. On an average, this phase lasts anywhere from a week to a month, depending upon an array of myriad factors involved. This is quickly followed by Rage, where everything is just another reason for me to be mad at things and people, and no matter what anyone tells me, I just cannot calm down. Once the bloodlust subsides and I can stand to talk to people without yelling and/or making snide comments (that aren’t always unwarranted), I move on to the third and final phase, which is Compromise. I try to make peace with the changes, and learn to live with them, after doing an extensive search to identify the silver lining (however faint) in this situation.

These phases are familiar to me; it gives me this twisted sense of relief that at the end of all this, I will be fine. But this time, while I waddled through the first two phases pretty quickly, the last phase is nowhere in sight. Every time I think that I’m finally okay with things being the way they are, something shakes loose, something shifts, and I find myself alone and frustrated (possibly even crying), desperate for a solution.

The thing is, there is no way I can glorify my scars or my insecurities to make them sound like they are the result of heroics or anything that could inspire anyone. My scabs are not wounds won on the battlefield; I have no reason to be proud of them. Some might object, saying that “we acquire strength in what we overcome”. To them I only want to say this: in my 21 and a half years of being alive, I’ve overcome a shit ton of stuff, and what use is the strength if it can’t save me from my own self?

Ever since I’ve had this blog, I usually post when I have a problem, and more often than not, the following post goes up when that problem is solved. This may be the first time ever where I am going to admit that I’m struggling.

There, I said it.

I’m struggling with my own self. And I have talked about this to people, but it has done very little to help me deal with this situation better. The emptiness is not just there; every morning when I wake up, I feel like its expanded a little more inside of me, and soon it will be all that I can feel–nothing. In my mind, I’ve made peace with all that hurts me a thousand times over, but it hasn’t changed anything.

I have accepted that we can’t force people to feel or not feel something.

I have accepted that while getting passed over sucks, it truly is better than being a Plan B.

I have accepted that not all relationships have to last a lifetime, but that does not mean we shouldn’t cherish and respect them while they do.

Every time I say these things to myself, I feel like I’m fine again, which I should be. Right? And I am, until I go to bed, wake up the next morning, and start to feel all the things that I can’t do anymore. I am just tired, I think, and there is only so many distractions that you could fit in a day.

So here I am: sitting alone in my room, already wondering what all I can do tomorrow so that I can regain whatever sense of normalcy I can. Honestly, I am just disappointed; I always believed that all the hurt and the pain and the perseverance would count for something, you know? But, guess not.

Also, while this is sufficiently terrifying and frustrating in equal proportions, I still do think I will be okay. My life is bigger than my fears, which is something I realized a few days ago when I started working on my new novel. It is called The Next Logical Step, and while I still don’t have a confirmed outline yet, it is about Samantha and Troye, two people who have no business even existing in the same universe, and definitely no business falling in love; but they do.

Personally, I’m looking forward to discovering how people can truly rise above a world of differences, and accept each other purely for their hearts. It’s my guilty pleasure you know, creating characters that are brave and never give up without a fight, especially when people in real life always choose to just stop trying so easily.

Here is a part I posted on Instagram from TNLS:

Be back soon.

Love,

Snigdha

Screenshot Win


Hey-lo, everyone.

Welcome to another post with absolutely no point whatsoever, because let’s face it: my mind has been all over the place lately. That could possibly be because of PMS, but oh, well. I’m tired and it’s Sunday tomorrow, and I have a couple of things to share with you all.

Yesterday, was a weird day. But it did clear out a lot of things, so I’m going to take my sweet time processing things, and then deciding where we go from there. Last night, I was up taking back-ups of the data on my phone, and I came across the Reading List I’d compiled last summer.

And guess what?

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It is complete!

Yep, ladies and gentlemen, I have read every single book that was on my reading list, and then some more. Yay for #BookishAccomplishments! The last book that completed this list was Maybe, Someday, and boy was it the best for the last.

Also, here are a few pearls of wisdom for your benefit:

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A sinking ship cannot be saved. Titanic couldn’t be saved, remember? Things were great while they lasted, so the best we could do in respect of the memories, is to part amicably.

Thank you, Bangtan Army, for the memories. It was nice knowing you, and I wish all of you the very best in life ahead. Happy to have known you. Thanks for helping me grow up. 🙂

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My dad says “when the best and the brightest come together, the possibilities are endless.”

Find things that bring out the best in you. Choose a career path that not only makes you happy, but also keeps you on your toes.

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Keep pushing forward, keep going.

Never stop.

Don’t look back.

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Tomorrow is Sunday, and mom and I are planning to go watch a movie. I’ll go and see if I can convince her to take a trip to the bookstore afterward. Wish me luck!

Meanwhile, go do whatever makes you happy. It’s now or never, right?

Love,

Snigdha

Maybe, Someday


 

We all need a couple of really bad days to keep the good ones in perspective.

– Colleen Hoover, Maybe Someday

 

 

I am, for the lack of a better word, floored. Ever since 2016 began, I’ve read close to seven books (you have no idea about the power of the very inconspicuous Kindle), and there’s absolutely zero question in my mind about which one I liked the best. Colleen Hoover did it again: took the world as I knew it, and gave it a good, much-required shake.

Thanks, CoHo. I owe you one.

Especially for this:

Yes, indeed it is. Might as well go big, do all that you possibly can, just wear yourself out completely. Also, try and do right by your own heart before you begin to do justice to others, because if you don’t find it in yourself to face up to your own wants and wishes, nobody else in the world will.

Ridge & Sydney are two very strong people, mature and understanding to a fault. They keep denying their love for each other, continue to fill in the roles they had before their worlds collided, but we all know how that ends: in an explosion.

But the best part about Maybe Someday was that people were portrayed exactly as how they are: imperfect, but one hundred percent genuine. I’d suggest you to read it, no matter how your life is looking like now. I can guarantee that you’ll find something in it that you recognize.

Okay, very quickly, three things that I’ve taken from this book:

  1. Punching isn’t all that it built up to be. Be ready to have bruised knuckles if you’re going to try it.
  2. Guitar players are nothing but trouble, so proceed with caution.
  3. Nice is right, but honesty trumps politeness, always. Be nice only when you’re being completely honest to yourself and your feelings.
Life has been a crazy mess lately, and I’m loving every single second of it to the point that every day is like a surprise. I’ve cooked a lot recently, so you could expect pictures over the weekend, because I’m too lazy to edit and crop them right now. Patience, my friends. All good things come to those who wait.
I’ve been meaning to get back to writing for a while now, but since I’m perennially pressed for time between college and work and home, I’m starting out slow by scribbling lines/paragraphs/scenes as and when they come to me, in the notebook that I carry with myself . It’s not a huge headway, I know, but it’s still progress. I have close to twelve different scenes penned down, and I’m hoping that when I sit down with the notebook and time, I’d be able to do something worthwhile with it.
Ah, the glories of the riveting life of an engineering student.
College is getting harder and harder to get to every morning, especially when the weather can’t decide whether it wants to be chilly or warm. Get your shit together, Universe. The time-table this semester is hilariously torturous, but then again, anything that I don’t agree with is torturous, so there. Every Monday morning, my first thought is ‘Wow, five days till Saturday.’ 😛
Tenacity comes in handy in situations like these, where one half of my brain is pleading with me to bail of class, but the other half punches it squarely in the face, and orders me to sit back down on the chair. That’s how I get through the boring classes, no kidding. And of course, there’s Garry and Nano, both  of whom are equally involved in my daily struggles. Thank you, ladies!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have dinner to get to (I told you I’m taking over the kitchen, didn’t I?). I’ll see you on Friday, or Saturday (depending upon how tired or lazy I’m feeling) with a post that dissects my Mr. Right down to the most minute of details. It is a long time coming, anyway, and now I have enough bad experiences to back it up with.
Like I always say, it’s now or never, and never doesn’t seem like a very gratifying option. Do it now, and do it correct. Fear is a fable.
Love,
Snigdha

Ricochet


Oh, yeah.

Four days into the new semester, and already, one thing is becoming increasingly clear: changes are afoot. And in all honesty, I’ve never been happier. My heart is beating inside my own chest, and now I don’t have to watch my back for doing the simplest things (major relief). What’s more? I get applauded for following my heart (you know who you are, thanks!).

I’m looking forward to so many things this year, and I’ve made it a point to never let go of control, at least as far as my moments are concerned. No blood, no foul, and all that.

A big, warm thank you to everyone in my class who make the torturous hours bearable. Seriously, you just have to muddle through, and then nothing is as difficult as it initially seems. One day passes, then the next, and then another. Trust me, I’ve been in enough batshit situations to say so, time passes, and everyone grows out of the scenario, and gets on with their lives.

Like I always say, just go ahead and take that first step in faith.

Of course, a little company does wonders. 😉

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Credits: Akash

 

 

Credits: Nano

Credits: Nano

Whenever I feel like I might do something I’m sure to regret later, I turn to these beautiful ladies (Garry and Nano, if you didn’t know). Or Rahul. Or Mom. Or, well, a lot of others. The right people make a ton of difference to your life, there’s no question about it.

I miss Dad a lot lately, especially when both of us used to stay up late until the night, just doing our thing, neither of us talking. With my father, silence is always welcome, and this, both of us have in common. Silence is golden, you know. 😛

Well, I’m off. I’ll catch you guys later.

Love,

Snigdha

Bad judgements & good decisions


Just a few more hours to go, and then I shall officially outlive my teenage years. Well, ladies and gentlemen, it’s been a hell of a ride. *cue the applause*

Personally, the past year has been an experience of its own, every day coming with something or the other that I didn’t plan, didn’t expect, didn’t know how to react to. But, here we are.

One year gone, another one about to start. Time flies, really. We might not agree to that on a day to day basis, but it’s the truth.

We do have time, but not for the critical stuff.

We have time to start a fight, but none to apologize.

We have time to fall in love, but none to prove it so.

We have time to start new relationships, but none to carry them forward.

We always, always have time for beginnings, never to pull that thing through.

This, in a nutshell, is my last year. Every single time that a new venture came up, time felt like a limitless commodity, nothing to worry about. But once the beginning was done, and it was time to pull through the mess, time did nothing but slip out of my hands like dry sand.

But you know what?

It all works out, eventually. Once you realize that you’re too far gone to go back, once you resolve to stick things out, everything works itself out. Okay, maybe it wouldn’t happen rightaway, and not as quickly as you would like it to. Maybe things get way worse before they get better. Maybe, sometimes it makes you feel like giving it all up.

Don’t. Don’t do anything out of terror, or tiredness. Just wait. Count the seconds, count your breaths, just wait. 

Other than that, do whatever you feel like doing. It’s always better to just do whatever you want, than to keep wondering for the rest of your life. Say what you want, do what you feel is right. Just go ahead, finish it off.

Deal with everything later, as it comes.

Here’s to another year, full of beautiful memories. Here’s to stronger relationships.

Here’s to life.

Love,

Snigdha