Yes, I’m still alive.
Surprise, surprise. *grins wide for the shortest instant*
It’s been a fortnight, I know, but in my defence, I’d already warned you about how absolutely craptastic this semester is turning out to be, sucking all the time and energy out of my days. Kindly cut me some slack.
You know how crazy it gets when it does. 😉
If I were to be very, completely honest with you about my current state of mind, I’d say one and only one word to you: destroyed. No, I’m not joking. It’s been like this since February, and yesterday, I realized I’d had enough. Or more precisely, there wasn’t anything left to mutilate the hell out of.
Honestly, this is the longest I’ve tried to fix anything; probably even longer than the amount of time I’d ever devoted to fixing my equation with Dad. I mean, I may just still keep trying, but you’ll never know about it. Once I’m done, I’m done. People may not miss me at all, because when I’ve had enough, I’m out of their lives like air out of your lungs, beat out of the heart.
You’ll never know what happened.
Funny how we just assume people wouldn’t let us down. They do, they have and they probably will continue to disappoint us over and over for as long as we’re attached to them. But I guess disappointment is reassuring in a twisted way, because there can only be deep disappointment where there is deep love. </3
It takes very little amount of courage to love someone, you know. It’s like waking up one day, and you begin to see them in a whole different way, and then your heart goes all crazy like a mental patient and makes you believe that this person you’re thinking about is The One.
But you know what is the scariest part of the whole process?
Telling them about it.
Like I’ve mentioned at least a gazillion times before, love doesn’t matter if it’s all just inside of you, and the other person has no freaking idea about it. This also doesn’t mean that you go tell them you love them three days after realizing you do. Frankly, it’s all just too risky either way.
Your heart is in direct line of fire, whatever you choose to do.
I feel like we just say those three words for the sake of it, and that’s part of the reason the person we’re saying them to finds them hard to believe/digest.
I mean, think about the whole situation from their perspective for a moment.
They want to believe you really mean what you’re saying, but come on, they’re every bit as human as you are. If your heart runs the risk of getting broken/shot/ripped out of chest, they could get hurt, too.
Like the picture says, love is a losing game. You either lose your heart and win everything else, or lose it all. Pick your poison, darling. If you think that one person is worth the risk, he/she might as well be. If you still want to talk to them after the worst of fights and rudest of conversations, they’re really lucky, and you’re really in love.
Congratulations on your stupidity.
Think about it. It’s all a cycle of loving someone, believing in their lies, losing them, but then deciding you still want them to be around. It could get very tiring, you know, all that waiting and wondering.
But I swear on my life, there’s something strangely magical about it.
Decide on a day to tell them you love them. Or better yet, do it today, if you’re sure you can make them believe it. Just don’t die with those words inside of you. You never know, they might just be waiting to hear you say it.
I’ll see you guys later.