Hey, you guys. What’s up? 🙂
Did ya miss me? Of course you did. You love me way too much, people. And I’m honest to God thankful to you guys for that. It gives me hope.
No kidding. 🙂
Okay, so hello after such a long time! It’s been what, a week? More than that? Honestly, I lost track of time altogether. It’s not fun when you’re an Indian student, out of school, but not in college as yet. While students everywhere else in the world get the summer off to relax, and fully prepare themselves for what is to come, we are left to struggle with the copious amount of entrance exams, and don’t even get me started over the nerve-wrecking tension that is a major part of the whole process.
So, yeah, bottom line: I’m in a pretty tight place here. It’s like the worst of my fears and the ugliest of my nightmares all rolled into one big, fat ball of nothing. You can’t see what’s bothering me, because it cannot be seen. You just feel it. Which I hope you never get to doing, because, like I said, it’s not fun. 😐
Frankly, I’m terrified of everything. Nothing is certain, and I have not the slightest idea about where or how I will be come August. I don’t even know if I’ll be happy.
It’s like one moment, I’m fine, and the other second I feel like I’m hollow from within, just a bag of bones.
Emotional wreckage aside, I’ve also been re-visiting too many memories of the past, from my childhood. I remembered a few days ago how happy swimming made me, and that I was majorly obsessed with Famous Five all through middle school.
And then, I don’t know, I just stopped doing all those things that made me happy. Like a switch being turned off. By the time high school came around, I was so tensed all the freaking time, always worried that if I didn’t do everything exactly like I’d been told to do, everything would just go to hell, and I couldn’t stop it.
Now, everything gets me worried.
I try to get past this whole thing, try to convince myself to be more unafraid and everything, but it’s really hard to do. It’s not easy to change something that has been a certain way for so long. I don’t know if it’s even possible.
We’ll have to see, I guess.
It’s all been rewind to a good memory, pause it there, and then replay it over and over in my head. Sometimes, it makes me feel good. Mostly though, I end up feeling bitter at how things turned out from there. I think it should help to blame it all on somebody else, but you know what? It doesn’t.
It feels worse. Why? Because when you do that, you realize that you haven’t really lived your life for yourself. It makes me think whether it’s entirely possible to do something that makes you happy, without somebody making you feel terrible about it.
But it’ll get better. Or at least, I hope so.
We can always cry. That is something we can still do.
Oops. Too deep, right? 😛
I know, I know. My mind is still getting used to the idea of no school. It’ll take some time. 😉
I’ll see you guys soon. Stay awesome.
Do what makes you happy. Deal with the world later. 😀
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