I stared blankly at the ceiling, counting my heartbeat. What was I going to say to Sarah? Would she believe me? The odds of that didn’t seem very good.
Though I had promised Sarah I would attend her party, Rachel wasn’t letting me off the hook that easy. She was hell-bent on tarnishing what remained of my life.
“So, running back to mommy, huh?” she’d said to me when she came to know about Sarah’s party. I’d ignored her.
“That’s none of your business, Rachel.” I’d said, and she poked her tongue out at me.
“Listen up, everyone! Kary McCall is going to cuddle in momma’s lap!” she shouted, and everyone bellowed into laughter. Some laughed because they thought it was ‘cool’, and the rest laughed because they hated me. The notes I’d put in everyone’s lockers saying I was sorry didn’t seem to have had the effect. So, all in all, I was the butt of everyone’s amusement.
And now I had to face it; the fact of either being good to someone who deserved it, or being scorned by Rachel and her army of mindless drones forever. The choice was simple; for someone who had a one-track mind. But for me, it was like choosing a well over a cliff. Death at both ends, it was.
The night passed sluggishly, giving me time to think. I weighed both my options, counting the pros and cons of the probable decisions I could make.
Option one: I could go attend Sarah’s party, and make her happy. This would certainly count, though very little, in my attempt of erasing the soreness from her heart and mind.
Option two: I could blow her off, and sit at home, locked up. This would save me all the hush-hush in school Monday morning, and Rachel’s sharp glares.
By the end of it, I was more inclined towards option two. Option one was noble; but I didn’t have the courage to go against the flow. I was never that fearless. So I had made up my mind: I was going to excuse myself out of it, and try to make it sound as likely as possible. My mind was made; now I just had to wait and let the chips fall where they may.
I fell asleep after that, and when I woke up, it was half past nine. The sun was up, but the cloud cover let out a grayish light into my room. I smiled to myself; it was my favorite kind of weather.
I stood there, staring out of the window when I heard the knock on my door. Mom stood there, hesitating in the doorway.
“Morning, mom.” I croaked.
“How are you?” she asked me. She was holding her black coffee in one hand and cold coffee for me in the other. When I didn’t answer, she crossed the room, and sat down on the bed. I did the same.
“Fine.” I answered, though I was sure she didn’t buy it.
“Kary….” She trailed off towards the end. She was certainly unhappy with the way I was dealing with things.
“Mom, what should I do?” I asked her finally.
She thought for a moment before she began speaking. The words came out slow, but I took in everything perfectly.
“Kary, I know you’re old enough to make decisions for yourself, and I know you’ll make good ones, but at this point, it’s not only you who gets affected the decision you make. Although Sarah has never complained, each one of us know how much both of you have suffered in these past, how many? Five years? And today, you can change everything; only if you want to.”
“I really want to!” I answered promptly. She moaned.
“Okay, so here’s the thing. I know Rachel’s going to make fun of you if you go to the Sarah’s party, but you shouldn’t let Sarah down like this.”
“Then what should I do?” I said.
“Just go wish her, give her the gift, and then leave. That way, she won’t feel bad and no one would notice whether you went or not. Problem solved.” She finished speaking, and I kept on staring at her face like an idiot I was.
I couldn’t believe my mother— my mother—could help me get out of this hell-hole with just one simple conversation.
I didn’t say anything; I just couldn’t. I hugged her tightly, and she wound her surprised arms around me.
“I love you mom!” I almost screamed. She patted my back.
“Okay, okay. Now get up and get going!” she urged, freeing herself out of my hold. She smiled, and left my room after giving strict orders to change and come downstairs.
I had the ball in my court now. Rachel darling was going to get so pissed! That thought brought an unintentional smile on my face.
* * * * *
“Kary, come down NOW!” Mom yelled from downstairs. It was quarter to six, and I’d promised Sarah I’ll show up by six.
“Coming!” I answered her, still fixing my jacket. Choosing clothes was one thing, but putting them on nicely was completely another; and even though in high school, I still couldn’t do it on time.
In a matter of ten minutes, I rushed downstairs, where Sarah’s gift waited on the kitchen counter. I picked it up, and turned to the door, where Arthur was already waiting for me. We’d planned to go the mall together.
Sarah had changed the venue from her home to the mall in the morning, and no one knew why she did that. She said she had her reasons for doing it, and none of us bothered to ask anything.
“Are you trying to make her fall in love with you again?” Arthur asked me when I got in the passenger seat in his car.
“Why would you say that?” I asked him because his words had certainly got me perplexed.
“You look exactly the way you used to look, well, earlier. The same old Kary all of us, especially Sarah, used to love.” He smiled at me, and started the engine.
I felt nice about the way he’d put it; the same old Kary. I had tried hard to bring out the same part of me I knew a year earlier.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GET. A. LIFE.
Honestly, if it is so hard to find something better to do than butt in other people’s lives and constantly badger them, I suggest you go buy yourself a lollipop and concentrate on it, sparing the others the horror of interacting with you.
Or if you are so useless, I’ll get one for you.
It feels like life has come to a full circle- back from where I started some months earlier. Same people, same conversations. . . . and the same hatred. Now you would ask me why am I so pissed with everyone in life? I have exactly what you need to hear.
I hate them. I detest them all to the limit of sheer loathing. And yet, it doesn’t seem enough. People think that others are carved out of the same stone they are, hence the other person also bears traits ditto like them.
Actually, I’m not sure if I can blame them.
You see, each one of us is an individual– a dignified, self-dependent person who can do very well without anyone’s help. We only live in ‘groups’ or ‘cliques’ because we want a layer or circle of protection around us- which, to be truthful, doesn’t work well.
We all have grudges, regrets and hatred in our hearts, but we do not want to express them because we do not want to face ourselves.
We all are broken on the inside, betrayed and hurt by the one(s) we used to trust.
We all are in need of someone or something that will lessen, or even better, erase the pain we carry within ourselves.
Building groups around ourselves is only secluding ourselves from what we really are, and turning us into what other want us to be. I know many will disagree on this point, but even they know they feel the same way. At least I know who is going to agree with me.
And none of us are ready to let it go.
Which is exactly what we need to do at the moment. Though it won’t yield any results than maybe a big discussion or confrontation, I’m sure it will at least ease off the pain or guilt or whatever you’re holding in.
It works. Trust me.
Fumbling through the countless folders on my computer memory, I stumbled upon this excerpt from ‘Eternity’ (which, unfortunately, is now only a bunch of files in my folder and has no scope of getting anywhere better than that):
The point of posting this particular citation is that in my opinion, this passage kind of conveys the message I failed very badly at– keep that candle burning inside of you.
Just like Srishti says, The candle is not so hot from the outside, for it is only the inside that burns.
I must say I cannot agree more with her on this one.
Now if you’d excuse me, I have three novels to write, an album to listen to (Marianas Trench, of course) and some fences to mend with someone.
See you soon.