Truth

When April ended, I was determined to not let anything at all stand in the way of me and my recovery. It is now no secret that April was a doozy; it forced me to stand and deal with a lot of things that I had done absolutely everything to avoid (especially the murky areas of my own mind), and while it was necessary, it was also difficult as hell.

Fast forward to now, six days into May, and it feels like I’m…empty. There is nothing concrete left to hold on to, and without an anchor, I feel weightless. Normally, I would have found something to focus on by now, something to at least get me by for until after exams get over, if not any longer. I know my history and my cycles. I know that there are certain same phases that I need to go through every time something major happens.

The first phase is the Fake Acceptance, where I try to talk myself into being optimistic and repeatedly tell myself that this is okay, this is good, this is for the better. On an average, this phase lasts anywhere from a week to a month, depending upon an array of myriad factors involved. This is quickly followed by Rage, where everything is just another reason for me to be mad at things and people, and no matter what anyone tells me, I just cannot calm down. Once the bloodlust subsides and I can stand to talk to people without yelling and/or making snide comments (that aren’t always unwarranted), I move on to the third and final phase, which is Compromise. I try to make peace with the changes, and learn to live with them, after doing an extensive search to identify the silver lining (however faint) in this situation.

These phases are familiar to me; it gives me this twisted sense of relief that at the end of all this, I will be fine. But this time, while I waddled through the first two phases pretty quickly, the last phase is nowhere in sight. Every time I think that I’m finally okay with things being the way they are, something shakes loose, something shifts, and I find myself alone and frustrated (possibly even crying), desperate for a solution.

The thing is, there is no way I can glorify my scars or my insecurities to make them sound like they are the result of heroics or anything that could inspire anyone. My scabs are not wounds won on the battlefield; I have no reason to be proud of them. Some might object, saying that “we acquire strength in what we overcome”. To them I only want to say this: in my 21 and a half years of being alive, I’ve overcome a shit ton of stuff, and what use is the strength if it can’t save me from my own self?

Ever since I’ve had this blog, I usually post when I have a problem, and more often than not, the following post goes up when that problem is solved. This may be the first time ever where I am going to admit that I’m struggling.

There, I said it.

I’m struggling with my own self. And I have talked about this to people, but it has done very little to help me deal with this situation better. The emptiness is not just there; every morning when I wake up, I feel like its expanded a little more inside of me, and soon it will be all that I can feel–nothing. In my mind, I’ve made peace with all that hurts me a thousand times over, but it hasn’t changed anything.

I have accepted that we can’t force people to feel or not feel something.

I have accepted that while getting passed over sucks, it truly is better than being a Plan B.

I have accepted that not all relationships have to last a lifetime, but that does not mean we shouldn’t cherish and respect them while they do.

Every time I say these things to myself, I feel like I’m fine again, which I should be. Right? And I am, until I go to bed, wake up the next morning, and start to feel all the things that I can’t do anymore. I am just tired, I think, and there is only so many distractions that you could fit in a day.

So here I am: sitting alone in my room, already wondering what all I can do tomorrow so that I can regain whatever sense of normalcy I can. Honestly, I am just disappointed; I always believed that all the hurt and the pain and the perseverance would count for something, you know? But, guess not.

Also, while this is sufficiently terrifying and frustrating in equal proportions, I still do think I will be okay. My life is bigger than my fears, which is something I realized a few days ago when I started working on my new novel. It is called The Next Logical Step, and while I still don’t have a confirmed outline yet, it is about Samantha and Troye, two people who have no business even existing in the same universe, and definitely no business falling in love; but they do.

Personally, I’m looking forward to discovering how people can truly rise above a world of differences, and accept each other purely for their hearts. It’s my guilty pleasure you know, creating characters that are brave and never give up without a fight, especially when people in real life always choose to just stop trying so easily.

Here is a part I posted on Instagram from TNLS:

Oh, Troye. 💙 #TheNextLogicalStep #WriterLife #Sam&Troye ✍

A post shared by Snigdha Rai (@snigdharai5) on May 5, 2017 at 9:46am PDT

Be back soon.

Love,

Snigdha

Warriors & Healers

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to my humble abode, my own little corner on the internet.

So, in the past couple of months (let’s start from January 2017), I’ve officially started the third last semester of college, given a bunch of exams, fallen sick (I’ve been sick since December, but things got pretty bad around mid March), hospitalized twice, and now, three days later, I feel like I’m me again. Needless to say, it gave me a whole lot of perspective, if not anything else.

Well, that’s technically not true, because there’s a million medicines I need to take for the coming whole month, but let’s focus on the perspective part first.

Since the time college started, I was very wary of everything, but also very aware of all the things that could go wrong. In retrospect, I find that that has been my default setting for as long as I can remember: worry first, solve later. And, honestly, it’s the worrying that led me to being hospitalized for five days, twice.

So, while I’ve realized (a little too late, apparently) that worrying doesn’t solve anything, I also wrapped up quite some stuff while I was lying in bed in my ward, drunk on morphine (side note: me and morphine? Not a good combination at all, unless you want to get ugly truths out, or maybe sabotage my property or something).

I talked to so many people I’d fallen out of touch with, and/or couldn’t really be frank with unless I was not thinking clearly (hi, Jatin!), and let’s just say that all the ‘unfinished business’ I’ve raved about since, well, forever is now well and truly, finished.

Letting go has never been my strong suit; I crave control, especially in relationships, no matter how big or small they are. Which is a fabulous plan, if only I’d paid the same amount of attention to myself, just listened to myself a little bit more. So, ever since my body went on strike two times in a row in the span of a week, I had no choice but to listen to it.

And boy, did it have stuff to say.

One, my mind was fried. Like, scrambled-eggs-fresh-off-the-stove fried. It was just tired of the worrying, and most of the reasons for the worry were much, much smaller than what I’d pegged them to be.

My heart, well, we’ve all established over the past two years that my heart hasn’t been in great shape, but it’s tenacious like me, so it held on. Needless to say, I spent the most time healing it. I’ve smoothed out every crinkle that has ever marred its surface, pulled out (almost) all the pricks and thorns that have dug their way into it, and just started listening to it more. For all my talk about following your inner voice and doing whatever the hell makes you happy, I haven’t really been living up to all that.

I know what you’re thinking: ”You’re one stupid person, Snigdha.”

Trust me, I don’t blame you, and neither do I have anything to say in my defence.

And while letting go hurt like you wouldn’t believe, it was extremely important to do so. Believe me when I say, there’s no feeling in the world that hurts worse than sharing something (or someone) that you weren’t sure was yours in the first place.

Now, with everything behind me, I have learnt a lot, but let me just say this: pain shapes everyone into a warrior, and that’s great, but sometimes, you need to set the armor and the sword down, and be a healer. Heal the people you are with, take their pain away, but also, remember to heal yourself first. Be a warrior, sure, but also be a healer.

 

On a completely unrelated note, here’s me making goofy faces to the camera because I was absolutely feelin’ myself today morning (yeah, the morphine still hasn’t quite left me):

Also, did I mention I started writing again? Yeah, picked up on this idea I’ve had since a year and a half now, but was waiting for a divine spark of inspiration, I guess? Well, I found it. Leaving you with a snippet:

Some people are not meant to be in your life for the entire length of it; they are travellers, and your life is a mere stop in their grand journey. However, that does not make their influence on your life any less earth-shattering, any less mind-blowing than it already is.

If you asked my mother the story behind why our family was the way it was, she would probably just smile, then shrug, and then sigh with a faraway look in her eyes, and say, “we are just all very different people.”

This would have been as good a reason as any, except that when it comes to family, differences—no matter how big or undeniable or unfixable they are—don’t matter. Or, at least that’s what I thought.

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Now if you’ll excuse me, I have six exams to study for, and mom’s birthday to plan.

Miss me while I’m away.

Love,

Snigdha

Little Steps & Big Decisions

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. I’m back.

It’s been two months since 2017 started, and unlike its predecessor, 2017 is behaving well *touches wood*. It’s been a year of making a couple of selfish choices, and even with all my inhibitions, I feel quite good. If you follow me on Instagram, you would know what’s up (considering it’s the only social media platform that I don’t totally hate), but if you don’t then 1) what the hell are you doing? and 2) let’s catch you up:

* Started a bullet journal

I’ve meant to start a bullet journal since last year, and it finally happened.

"Where there is love, nothing is too much trouble. And there is always time." 💗 Wisest words ever by @justinbaldoni & @emilybaldoni, recreated by yours truly. 🎨📔 #February #Art #BulletJournal #Spread

A post shared by Snigdha Rai (@snigdharai5) on Feb 15, 2017 at 7:54am PST

 

This is my quote of the month for February, wise words by Justin Baldoni (Rafael Solano on Jane The Virgin). I fully intend to do a complete post celebrating my bullet journal, because frankly, it’s become quite an addiction. It’s a great way to keep all my plans in place, and to doodle and go nuts with bright, bold colors.

It just makes me really happy, period.

 

* Celebrated the little moments

You know how I’ve always despised the cheesy holidays like Valentine’s Day? Yeah, I made a conscious effort to not be such a Negative Nancy this year, and just enjoy whatever I could, in whatever way possible. Garima, Pankaj, Rahul and I had a little V-Day party (singles only, obviously) in college this year, and I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that we had more fun than a lot of couples.

Pre Valentine's Day prep on point 👌💞 #VDay #FoodIsLove

A post shared by Snigdha Rai (@snigdharai5) on Feb 13, 2017 at 8:16am PST

I mean, who doesn’t love food?

 

* Decided to say ‘no’

I am guilty of overcommitting to situations and people who don’t deserve half of it; 2017 has been a step toward curbing that, too. I am really trying to do things that are feasible and put myself before anyone else, because come on, there comes a time when all of us have to pick ourselves, and not anybody else.

It’s not going to be pretty in the beginning, and there are going to be multiple accusations hurled right at you, but that’s all ephemeral. Stay strong, keep your head up, and keep going.

 

* Give back to those who deserve it

Very much like 2016, 2017 is also going to be a year of ‘no more free chances’. Only those who really, truly deserve another chance may get one, and that’s that. I’m honestly tired of people pretending to know nothing about what they do wrong, or where they screw up, and I’ve realized that it’s not my problem anymore.

At the other end of the spectrum, however, are people who have always stuck by my side in good times and bad (like my mom), and there’s pretty much nothing I wouldn’t do to make them happy.

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Other than that, life has been pretty much the same like always (exams, classes, general chaos), and I’m completely fine with that. The lesser people in your life, the happier you are–true fact.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go watch Teen Wolf. See you soon!

Love,

Snigdha

No Promises

Hello, ladies and gentlemen (and Sagar, who wanted something to read with his evening tea), I’m back.

So, 2017 started, Dad (who was home for the holidays) went back to New York, and a brand new semester of college began while the temperature of Delhi has been—wait for it—freaking seven degrees.

Ah, well. That is how the glamorous life of an engineering undergrad is.

So, since I’ve been busy adjusting to life with college in the new semester (and getting my ass kicked, since I just went ahead got my books today, two week since classes started), I haven’t had the time to actually sit down and write–which in no way means I haven’t been writing. Here is where the power of technology comes in, because the Drafts folder in my phone is where all the magic is stored.

I picked out a select few out of the sea of written bits that have been dwelling in my phone, and have decided to share it with the world. Here goes, enjoy:

#Freedom

#AllTheBrightPlaces

#Persevere

And, another very special thing that is aimed at anyone and everyone who I have had the opportunity to love (family and friends alike), as well as to all those who I shall cross paths with, in the future.

If there’s anything that I’ve learnt in the last couple of years of college, it is that promises mean very little (if at all). Not all of them get to fruition, and sometimes, with good reason.

Hence, this is me, not promising you.

I don’t promise to keep you first always, because there are going to be times where other people will need me more than you.

I don’t promise to be with you all hours of every day, because there will be times where you need your space, and there may be days where I’ll be needing mine.

I don’t promise to support you in whatever you’re doing, because it’s my job to keep you from making dumb decisions that you shall only regret later.

I don’t promise to forgive you instantly every single time, because I’m stubborn as hell and my anger takes time to cool off.

I don’t promise to tell you everything, because there some things that just aren’t meant to be shared.

Most importantly though, I don’t promise to love you, because love is just a word that doesn’t quite describe us completely.

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You see, once a writer, always a writer. No matter how boring and uninspiring daily life is. Now please excuse me, I have a movie to watch.

Until next time, and remember: it’s now or never.

Love,

Snigdha

That’s A Wrap: Goodbye 2016

Hi! Wish all of you lovely people a very happy and joyous 2017.

Slay this one like never, amigos!

I almost did not do the Rewind post for 2016, not because nothing happened this year (because trust me, a lot did), but because 90% of them are things I can’t present to you with evidence. First, I thought I’d explain the stories behind all the top three lessons of the month that I’ve shared with all of you for the past 11 months, but I couldn’t possibly do that without 1) taking up a lot of your time, and 2) offending at least six out of ten people who I’ve already buried the hatchet with.

And to be very honest, 2016 was one ratchet ride of a year, and this is not just my opinion. But, it still deserves a parting gift of sorts, a final farewell. Hence, I present to you Rewind 2016:

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*Family*

 

2016 was off to a very rocky start; things were going everywhere, and most of which was out of my control. But there is one thing that always stays the same, and that is (not so surprisingly) family.

My father was several time zones away, in New York, and despite the twenty million things she deals with on the daily, my mother has been the best support I could ever ask for. She was there for all of it: the good, the bad and the ugly. She held me close during the dark days that broke my heart to the littlest of pieces, and kept urging me to move forward, choose the high road (and kick ass when the situation demanded it).

My baby sister (now ten years old) is a little devil, but she’s my little devil, and I love her to bits. We fight every single day over the silliest of things, but when it’s time to go to sleep, we sleep like conjoined twins. That’s sisters for you, I guess.

Another person who kept me from going flying over the edge was, well, me. I have always been a stubborn person, and I don’t understand and agree with things just because someone says it’s true; I need to experience it to believe it. Clearly, when the going got rough, it took a lot of self motivation and long self-delivered pep talks to myself to get through one day and onto the next.

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*Friends*

From Top-Left: Shivani, Garima, Arushi, Namrata, Pankaj, Rahul, Abhishek, Namrata, Nanaki, Isha and Srishti

I don’t have pictures with everyone, and couldn’t possibly fit them all in one post, so let me just start off by saying this: you don’t need a mention in black and white for me to acknowledge and deeply appreciate your support and love, always know that. I love you, and I value you, truly.

My friend circle is always changing and circumstantial at best (hello to all those who magically find my number when exams roll around), but there were many who stuck by my side even (and especially) when I wasn’t at my best. Shout outs here go to Ayushi, Shivani, Kanwar, Anshu, Kanika, Divya, Sagar, Sarthak and Akash. I’m eternally grateful to each person (you know who you are, picture/mention or not) who decided to chum it up with me when you could be doing anything else in the world.

I know I’m not always the easiest person to be around–and 2016 was especially difficult at times, considering the many major changes that my life was subjected to–but if you still chose to stick around, thank you.

Thanks to Garima for religiously picking the seat beside me and just being there (even on the days I was being a total tool), and choosing me over and over again. Thanks to Rahul for being my safe harbor since the first semester, my partner in crime no matter how utterly stupid my plans were. Thanks to Pankaj for saving me always, from getting my printouts at the last minute to saving me from the traffic police officer. Thanks to Nano for being who she is, my sassy, overachieving and immensely giving best friend who never hesitates to dish out the ugly truths to me when I’m going crazy. Thanks to Srish for never letting me feel like a day has passed since we last met, and for always being the voice of reason. Thanks to Isha for being her goofy yet compassionate self, the human equivalent of a warm fuzzy blanket that warms you all over.

I want to go on, but the list may probably never end. But again, I’m thankful to all of you ♥

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*All The Bright Places*

 

The best thing that 2016 did for me is that it pushed me to grow up. I have played the ‘big sister’ and ‘wise friend’ for as long as I can remember, and in doing so I had never really fully had the time and/or made the conscious effort to truly discover the person I am. And truthfully, I couldn’t have done it if I was living the same exact life that I had built for myself in the past two years. So, even though it was ugly and extremely difficult in the beginning, the change that came along with 2016 was a blessing in disguise.

This picture is of some of the best moments I’ve had this year. The one at the top left corner is of the movie ticket from the day I decided to go watch Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children alone as a treat to myself for holding it up during the semester. The one with the balloons is when I planned an elaborate surprise for my mom on her birthday, with a lot of help from Rahul and mom’s friends. The gifts are the ones I bought for my family when I was playing Santa on Christmas eve, and the one of mine next to it is in my car, my Baby who is my single most valuable possession in the entire world.

The remaining two pictures are from the camp that I went to in April which was a necessary evil that just needed to happen (read all about it here). Those five days were essential because not only did it clear out a lot of things for me, but also helped me gain confidence like never before. You know how they say ‘when push comes to shove’? Yeah, this was my much-needed shove.

Other than these, I also got appointed as the President of Wordsworth, which is the literary society at college, completed a year at my job as a content writer at Weaving Thoughts Pvt Ltd, and topped my class for the last two semesters. Most importantly though, 2016 made me realize how addicting it is to achieve something based on pure hard work, and that happiness can come from responsibility as well.

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So, yeah. That’s about it.

That was my 2016 story.

It wasn’t all roses and happy days, but it wasn’t all brickbats, either.

There were days that tested us to the point of breaking, and there were days where happiness was everywhere, and both of them were equally important.

Here’s hoping that 2017 is another exciting year and takes us on new adventures and fun-filled journeys.

Happy 2017!

Love,

Snigdha