Remember.


Problems that overwhelm us generally do that because we allow them to. People who treat us like disposable commodities often do that because we let them. Do you see a pattern here?

If no, enjoy your blissful ignorance.

If yes, what are you doing about it?

“It stops here. With me and you. It ends with us.”

– It Ends With Us, Colleen Hoover

Hello, there. You see, for the past four years, college has taught me way more things about life than the eighteen years before it. And one of the most important thing I’ve learnt (and am still coming to terms with, frankly) has been to know when to let go. You cannot save everyone, and it’s naive to think otherwise. You could have the world’s best intentions for someone, wish them the world of happiness, and they could still be hell-bent on destroying their lives and their happiness (at least, it may seem that way to you).

But you know what? It’s not your fault. 

Remember that. It’s not your fault.

Remember that it’s their choice.

Remember what your life looked like before you decided to play hero. You can have that again, with the advantage of experience.

Remember that there’s still so much life ahead of you, so many more chances.

And most importantly, believe that what you did was right and good, and be content with the knowledge that while we may wish for something with all our might, sometimes things just aren’t meant to be. It does seem insanely unfair at that moment, but later, looking back, you’ll know why things turned out the way they did.

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Take it from someone who knows, things get better. I can very well say that holding on caused me way too much pain, and while letting go was equally hurtful, my life is so much better for it. ❤

So, trust me, try taking a break from being someone else’s hero/savior, and start being your own superhero.

Love,

Snigdha

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Overkill


“Forget logic. Logic does not know what you want.”  – What Light, Jay Asher

For someone who claims they can write/use their words to get out of anything whatsoever, there are certain moments where just coming up for air from my the messes of my own mind becomes a problem. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I’m well and truly stuck. 

In what? My own mind. What’s keeping me there? Thoughts. Do any of them make sense? Not in the slightest. It’s like one big puzzle in here and none of the pieces fit together. Some of them don’t even look like they belong in the same puzzle, I swear. It has been over a month and a half into the new year, and honestly, there hasn’t been a moment that I’ve felt absolutely and completely alive. You know, like you are fully present in the moment and in that moment only, and you feel it through and through?

Yeah, been a while since I had that. And boy, do I miss it.

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Whenever we meet someone, we give and take a part of each other, an exchange of energy that determines how close (or not) we may get. And when they leave, they take with them a part of yourself that shall always, always be missing from inside you. Someday though, someone may fill in that void, but you’ll be different (happier, maybe), never the same. It may not sound that bad, but the time in between the two events? It’s pure hell.

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I don’t even exactly know what my problem is right now. I just know that I’m feeling some type of way (a little part of it might be attributed to PMS, but only a little, like 30%), and at this point, the solution in sight is to ride it out like I ride out all difficult times, with my head down.

Next week, I have a couple exams, which put a kink in my plan of taking a mental healthy day (you know, watch a movie, grab a Starbucks, treat myself to a delicious meal, spend time with myself), so that will now have to wait until next month, at the very least. Bad timing is a running theme of my life, as you can now very well tell if you’ve been here for any amount of time.

For now, I shall go study, maybe work on an idea for a story that has been kicking around in my head, see if anything pans out. No matter what kind of day you’re having, there are some things that just cannot be ignored, life being one of them.

See you soon, hopefully in a better state of mind.

Love,

Snigdha

 

 

 

Detours


So.

Second month in, and 2018 has already become a crowd favorite. Good work, 2018, let’s keep this up for another ten months, okay? Okay.

For me, January came with the start of the final semester of college, which fills me up with bittersweet feels every time I think about how these few months might be my last chance to accumulate as many memories as I can with all these people who have become such a monumental part of my life over the last four years. But not to worry, I’ve been actively trying to gather said memories as well as I can; it’s a work in progress.

You know, looking back, I almost cannot believe my life turned out the way it did. I remember exactly how I felt when college had just started: terrified. I kid you not, I was struggling so much with the culture shocks and demographic shift, there came a point when I was convinced that there was absolutely no way that a) things would get any better, and b) I could ever make any friends here.

Boy, was I wrong. Fast forward to now, and I see that not only things got a whole lot better, I also now have people in my life who I plan to keep with me till the end of time. It hasn’t been all easy, sure, but really, what ever is? Where’s the fun in easy, anyway?

The point is, we could have our lives all figured out, all planned out to the littlest of details, but if you encounter a detour (or ten) along the way, just take it. At times it may feel like the biggest mistake of your life, but take it from someone who knows, it will also be the bravest thing you ever did.

So, you know, be brave in the pursuit of what makes you happy. Be fearless.

Love,

Snigdha

 

17 Lessons: Rewind 2017


” No matter how hard you try, things don’t always turn out the way you wish they could. ”

– Colleen Hoover, Without Merit

I feel like in every end-of-the-year post, I say that the year ‘went by too fast’, or ‘I don’t know where it went’, and honestly, the last couple of years really did flew me by, no joke.

2017, however, was different.

I can say that since day one, 2017 has presented me with surprises and challenges that have changed me in ways which (quite frankly) I didn’t think were possible anymore. 2017 broke me, lifted me back up, threw me up, down and sideways, and yet, here we are: it’s time to say goodbye to 2017.

Instead of recounting all the months and their specific moments, allow me to tell you a story with pictures and the lessons learnt, take you for a ride through this one hell of a year that I’m going to remember till kingdom come.

Here it is, for your entertainment and pleasure, rewind 2017:


 

17. It’s okay to be not okay all the time. 

The first three months of 2017 were difficult for me, and they included a two weeks’ worth of hospital stay, a million pills and injections, and a body so broken I could not move from my bed for a solid week even after I was discharged from the hospital. It was a hard (and well-deserved) slap in the face, a wake-up call that gave me a lot of perspective on how I had been pushing myself too hard and too much, and that nothing and nobody is worth your life, no matter how important it/they may seem.

16. Recovery is not a solitary process. 

While being sick gave me time to think about what I’d been doing wrong and how I was the absolute worst at taking care of myself, the recovery that followed gave me the opportunity to realize that I did not have to heal all by myself. There were people there for me, people who loved me and cared about me, and let’s just say that it was all smooth sailing from the moment I fully and completely accepted the help and support that they were willing to give me. I can’t ever thank you guys enough, you know who you are.

15. Letting go is sometimes as painful as holding on too hard. 

April was a tough one, I’ll admit, but it (with a lot of help from Ayushi and Nano) gave me all the tough love that I so desperately needed to pick my life back up. I realized that holding on to something that was not going to happen was hollowing me out; but I also realized how excruciatingly difficult it is to let go of something you have been holding on to for so long. The point is, sometimes, pain is inevitable, but it won’t last forever. Make the choice you need to make for yourself.

14. Be kind, be unwavering in love.

It’s so easy to be adamant when being angry at someone; 2017 made me see how important it is to be show the same strength when we love someone, too (although it is hundred times more difficult than being mad at them). The summer of 2017 was an exercise in staying true to myself and my feelings, and I did make out of it alive, so that’s a job well done.

13. Keep the promises you make to yourself.

It’s the toughest job in the world, keeping all the promises you make to yourself, because life always gets in the way. In 2017, I made a promise to myself to change things and how I treated myself and my body, and I think I did keep it, to some extent. It’s still a work in progress, but the start has been very satisfying, I can tell you as much.

For as long as I can remember, I've been fat. And although my scintillating personality more than makes up for it (no joke), life–and people–are not especially kind when you're fat. There have been days where wearing more than two jackets meant I was going to need more than one seat in the metro, or be choked to death by the seat belt of my own car. I'm a smiley person (thank you, @_mishra_anshu), and what good is a smiley if they can't smile without their eyes closing? Above all this, being fat meant my body was tired all the time, but I kept pushing nonetheless (school & college weren't going to take care of themselves), and one fine day this March, my body broke. Two weeks in the hospital later, I was on my bed, lying on my back because turning on to my sides hurt. Eating hurt, drinking hurt, and even swallowing my spit hurt. I know what you're thinking: that was the day I decided to change. Well, you're partially right. I decided to change things, but it was my mother who ensured I followed through it all. She woke up with me every morning at 5:30 and went to bed only after I did. She listened to my rants when I started going crazy after I gave up coffee (those dark, dark days), and held me when I cried with all the frustration. Thank you, Maa ❤ Now, 6 months later and 22 kgs lighter, I realize that any big change requires determination, sure, but it also requires support of people who love you and decide to stick by you when things get tough. And I know now that to get through any difficult situation, you just got to keep putting one foot in front of another. #Bye2017 #ThankyouMom #FatToAlmostFit #ToughRide

A post shared by Snigdha Rai (@snigdharai5) on

 

12. It’s not essential to always have a plan.

I’m a control freak, but I learnt that not having a plan comes with its own sweet freedom that I quite like. Sure, it’s not a lifestyle choice I would make for myself, but it is a nice change from strict routines with no deviations. I think I have Ayushi to thank for that, for being patient with my demands and obligations, and being my partner in crime for the some of the best days that I’ve had this year. Thank you, girl. I owe you.

 

11. You are your a superhero in your own right, admit it.

If you make it from one day to the next, if you solve problems instead of running away from them, and/or if you wake up to deal with the same demons you were dealing with yesterday: you, my friend, are a superhero, and I salute your strength. I learnt this lesson the hard way, but now that I have, I want you to know it too: you are loved and wanted and the world needs more of you.

10. The best way to give yourself closure is to forgive.

For the longest time, I was angry: at people for being so ignorant, and at the world in general for being just so damn unfair. I demanded closure, even needed it desperately, until I realized that once I let the anger go, everything just fell in place. The point is, stop being angry at things not being the way you wanted them to be, because rejection is just your life getting redirected toward better things, and I mean it.

9. Making your mother smile is the best feeling in the world.

You all know exactly what I mean. There is no other joy more profound than making your mother proud.

 

8. With the right people, everything becomes so much more fun.

This has been a recurring them this year, the feeling of pure joy one gets when they are with the people who matter to you, and to whom you matter just as much, if not more.

 

7. People surprise you in the best ways possible.

2017 showed me how we give too little credit to people, and how they can surprise us in the best ways possible if we only let them. Sure, it takes a lot hits and misses to find the ones who’ll stay, but I assure you it is so worth it. 

6. Worry about it only if you can control it.

This is a very important one that 2017 hammered into me, and my life is so much better for it, too. This year was crucial in terms of my future, and while I was nervous, sure, I realized that all I could do in that situation was do my best and leave the rest to the higher power. I did so, and things fell in place. Take my advice, and stop sweating about things that are beyond your circle of control, and focus on what you can do about a situation instead. You’re welcome.

5. Do not suffer in silence, especially for the wrong people.

I know people think it is noble to be the silent sufferer (I used to be one of them), but there is nothing heroic about putting yourself through hell for anyone, especially for someone who probably does not even care. Get it out, let it be known and clear your heart and your conscience, because take it from someone who knows, these things weigh you down so bad, it becomes difficult to breathe after a while. Don’t put yourself through that.

 

4. Put yourself first.

If you feel like there is too much to do and too little time, just stop, take a breath and determine what’s best for you, and do it without thinking. Righteousness is great, but it’s no use if you are not truly happy being righteous.

 

3. Be relentless in the pursuit of anything and everything that sets your soul on fire.

2017 was the year of achievements, and my favorite one out of all the things that I’ve done this year was participating in NaNoWriMo 2017. Lesson learnt: if you love doing something, find time to do it, every single day.

 

2. Find the beauty is ordinary things.

The easiest way of being happy is to find reasons where you are, and with the people you are. Sometimes, catching a movie with friends and having street food is the best way to spend a Saturday, and/or having a quiet lunch at home while watching scary movies with them is an ideal Sunday. Find reasons to be happy, and be immensely grateful for them.

 

1. Be the best version of yourself, because you’re the only one this world has.

I know there are times where we just want to go back to sleep, or stay indoors, not do anything–but in doing so, we deprive the world of our magic, which is straight up criminal. So, you know, don’t do that. Be the best possible version of yourself, and spread your beauty like pixie dust. You’ll sleep a lot better.


Before ending this post, I want to thank a few people who have made 2017 so much more memorable and endearing. I love each one of you, and from the bottom of my heart, thank you ❤

The rock that keeps my world in place.

 

My heart in a picture.

 

My partner in crime for anything and everything, always.

 

The voice of reason and insanity, simultaneously.

 

The light in my day.

 

Laddoo, my boo. You’re crazy but I love you.

 

The light house that guided a sinking ship to shore, to safety, to happiness.

 

The best thing that’s ever been mine.


 

Here’s wishing that the coming year is as beautiful as the one before it, and that we live through it with as much vigor and love and strength, if not more.

Here’s to a fulfilling future.

Happy new year, fellas.

Firsts & Lasts


Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

Yep, it’s October.

Yep, you know what that means.

Yep, it’s the annual recapitulation post that comes with truths and mush and happy feelings because I intend to share the round of up the year gone by with all of you. Fair advance warning: the last year has been a doozy, but like a good doozy. A doozy that untied so many knots in my life, healed parts of me that I didn’t even realize were damaged, and today, right now, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in a long, long while.

Okay, back to the point.

This year, instead of recounting events of the past 365 days, I’m going to go ahead and mention and appreciate the people who have made those days bearable. People who have pulled me through when I was too weak, who stayed up with me when I couldn’t sleep, people who stood beside me because they chose to. Before we go ahead, let me just say it right here: thank you.


Family

It’s a given, but I still feel the need to emphasize on the love and support of family. My family isn’t big on tangible display of affection, but I feel their love in my hearts of hearts, the truest places of them all. I am who I am because they are who they are, because my parents raised me so.

Thank you, fam. You guys are the real MVPs.

 


L4W

L4W (Life4Ways) is an acronym for love and friendship that transcends time and distance alike, forever. Srishti, Isha and Nanaki–more commonly referred to as Po, Laddoo and Nano–have seen me at my absolute worst, and still chosen to stay with me for some strange reason. And honestly, I’m more grateful than words than say, and I value each of them like I value my own life, if not more.

Love ya, L4W.


The A-Team

In the past three and a half years, life has been very challenging, and it works wonders to know that even if the world is dark and unfair and just so damn disappointing, there are a handful of people who make it okay to live in it. The last year has been especially trying, and I don’t even like to think about what would have happened if I didn’t have the people I do.

Garima, thank you for being a rock-solid support that never, ever fails me, come what may.

Rahul, thank you for understanding everything I say, and everything that I don’t.

Pankaj, thank you for being the most reliable source of entertainment and support there is in this world.

Ayushi, thank you for restoring my sense of balance and calm just by being there.

Hitesh, thank you for supporting all plans and ideas that I have, even if they are the dumbest and near impossible to execute.

Namarata, thank you for the love that you give, unadulterated and unwavering.

Abhishek, thank you for going the extra mile in being a friend, every single time.

And Anshu, for showing me the light again, for giving me the sense of safety and happiness that I hadn’t felt in a long, long time.

 


The last year has been full of firsts and lasts, you know. A lot of ‘last’ birthdays, because once college gets over, there are many people I don’t want to see ever again in my life. I’ve had a lot of ‘last’ exams,  because God knows I’m going to put the books away the minute the bell rings for the final exam next semester.

But there have been firsts, too. The first time I’ve met someone who understands how crucial it is to circulate Sirius Black memes in the universe (hi, Ayushi!). The first time Panky drove us around Delhi, thanks to his superior skills of navigation. The first time I’ve had someone to go above and beyond the call of duty, just to ensure my plans reach their proper end (thank you, Abhishek). The first time I have someone who starts my day off right with lovely messages overrun with heart emojis, always bringing a smile to my face (I’m talking about you, Namarata).

It’s been a rough year, yes, but it’s also been so so beautiful, the kind of beauty that gold procures once it comes out of the fire.

And trust me when I say this, it wouldn’t have been half as beautiful without the above mentioned people.

Here’s to a better future, to friendships that shall stand the test of time, and here’s to love. ❤

See you guys soon.

Love,

  • Snigdha